In this post, you’ll find a few ideas on how to influence people and make friends.
Life is about influence. What we think about is that money is important, but the reason why this is so is that money has the power to move people. We think money makes things happen, but the truth is that money makes people do things for you because people love and need money. Which means that most people get the whole money thing wrong. Most people think that the world is run by money which is true only in a surface level kind of thinking. In a deeper level money buys us influence.
We’re all deep down aware of this, so much so that we can’t help but feel at awe of people who are able to move and touch the hearts of lots of people through their words, from seducers to politicians. So at the end of the day instead of one, there are actually two ways to get what we want in life: 1) through hardworking our way into money based influence, or 2) through emotional intelligencing our way into the hearts of people.
How to influence people and make friends
So how does one influence people and makes friends? The first question is: why do you need friends in the first place?
The answer to this question can have a back and forth kind of effect over your friendship network and the way you live your life. Meaning that the attitude you have about friendships can dictate your friendships, and as a result also the way they influence the way you live your life, and the way you live your life can influence the kinds of friendships you have.
If you’re needy then you’re more likely to have your friendships take over your life which is not ideal since each human being is at the end of the day out there for him/herself. Which means that each attempt to please is like a chess move in favour of the opponent with the probability that the beneficial move is not even a gambit. Being needy is a problem, and being able to tell when you have that problem is crucial. Neediness comes from the sense of insecurity and the need for the approval of others. Which is totally a part of human nature but completely detrimental for your future if your goal is to take your fate by your hands.
So, are you needy? The point is that your friendships should enhance your life, if not as a stepping stone for your life goals, at least for the purpose of enjoying life for its own sake since as far as we know… there is only one.
Have a clear idea of the end goal
When it comes to friendships the most important thing is just like goals to know what you’re trying to accomplish. If you want to create more connections behaviours that increase your connectivity to people in a deeper level is the way to go. If all you want is to have people who will get you closer to your vision, the kind of behaviour that increases debt and value over time with each member of your network might be the way to go.
When the goal is to increase the depth of your relationships with other members of the human race the tested and proven strategy has always been to train yourself into thinking their way by wearing their shoes. The number one question is always: “what would x do or want in this situation/from me?” The strategy here is not to think about what ought to be, but what is. The strategy is to get in the minds of the people you want to connect with not to take advantage of them but to as Steve Jobs would have said: show them what they really want. Being that what they really want is more powerful than the things they tell you in words that they want since when they do find what they really want, no words in the dictionary are enough to explain the array of feelings they feel regardless of language.
This is the kind of thing the ultimate seducer/politician is looking for. The things/desires you want/have that you don’t even know you deep down want/have. This requires living in the head of the target, which eventually makes you the target of your own conquests. You genuinely like what your target likes because you now think the way they think. Hell… for a second you’re them even, and you as you know a foreigner because you feel the way they feel… no more no less.
The other way to go about it is also dependent on your goal, that is if your goal is to not connect with the human race, which is fine, but to advance your now perceived to be “selfish” cause. Here it’s easy to make the mistake of using deception towards other fellow human beings to get what you want since you don’t really care about what people think right? Wrong! You might not need people to love you, in the same way that anyone who seeks for connection does, but the truth is that human beings can as much as you can deny have a role on your overall happiness and misery. Just think about the concept of bullying. If we really are the masters of our destiny, why do some people commit suicide when rejected by their peers?
The point is that even when our goal is not to connect, we have to connect nonetheless. Not the kind of fake connection we learn about in books of persuasion, but the kind of connection in which the other side of the table knows what you’re about and is ok about it. What I mean is the kind of connection of the kind of which you want to be as useful as possible to the other person, so that through the power of the reciprocity bias they urge to be as useful as they can for you back. In essence, you get what you want by making sure the people who can help you get what you want get what they want. It’s that simple.
In a world of sceptics, the only thing that makes sense is results. If A wants B, and A can give you C, the most effective way to have C is to find a way give B to A, and show them you can do it.
We’re all self-involved. We want people to go by our principles because we think our principles are the most principled of the principles. What we forget is that chances are that our regards for our principles come not from the fact that they’re right but from the fact that they’re ours. The truth is that we are biased towards ourselves, and the way to get what we want in a world of logic not emotions, is to learn to be biased towards the other person, whoever that person is. No matter how illiterate or stupid.
So how do you make friends and influence people In a world of logic? You do it by being as useful as possible. You do it by being the tool of others who by themselves are the tools of the tool. Both A and B are special because they are people, but they are as human as they are tools. They’re both aware of it, and they are both OK about it.
The final thing to talk about is honesty. The ability to tell things the way they are is one of the most desired traits in all areas of life. So many potentially great relationships fall because of this lack of clarity and straightforwardness. This means saying what you have on your mind and what you hope to get from the relationship. The idea is to be as honest as possible about it, and if you can manage doing it without making the other person feel bad about it, they might even thank you for it. This is like criticism. We often hide passive aggressiveness behind it and when called on it we label what we’re doing as constructive criticism. True constructive criticism is more than just telling the person about their weaknesses with no regard for their feelings, but also this added concern for their feelings, since doing the opposite will just make them less likely to listen to what you have to say, the exact opposite of what you want to accomplish.
The one who is recklessly honest is of the same kind as their honesty: just reckless. The one who avoids honesty completely intentionally or not puts the relationship in jeopardy, taking it a step closer to the breaking point. So, honesty for what you want and feel without being aggressive about it, and clarity on what you really want is what to aim for when on your journey to influencing people and making friends.
It is all about knowledge and experience 😉
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